Tuesday, October 13, 2015: …But one idea is in those moments of lucidity, send me all your thoughts of what you want to say to anyone (Brant or Dylan or anyone), and I will compile them all as they come to you in snippets…
Grace:…I never considered this legacy since I’m tired, but that’s a great idea. I will send you random current or past thoughts. You can assume they have the same audience, my family and friends.
The bible often uses the metaphor of walking through affliction, that we must pass through it. Most of my cancer fight was focused on standing up first. My motto was that I must, though painful, first stand and then walk through the affliction. But the courage always came when God lifted me off my feet.
Just stand. No matter how hard or all the tears, you must stand first.
God did not make himself easily available during my fight. He clearly was with me providing acts of hope and deep love, letting me know that I’m never alone. But I had to earnestly seek him, his word, prayer, and he drew near as I drew near. I wondered (if he was there) but now I know. When I don’t have a clear mind, I am more confident he is with me because what I’ve learned, the nearness. Bible passages are now in my heart.
I have confidence he is more firmly in my heart. When I can barely pray, Christ prays for me.
I see his purpose now.
A positive is that I spoke to my father for the first time in 7 years. We both cried and said we loved each other. He even apologized for being a distant, bad father which is hard for a Korean dad to say. We forgave each other.
God brought so much love and reconciliation from people I never realized cared. Cancer has been the worst best blessing.
God makes the impossible possible.
Unfortunately, Grace’s condition did not allow for any more legacy sharing to be sent before she passed away. A week before these snippets, she had shared with me in person how she had wondered where God was. He had seemed so distant and absent. She said that there was JOY in pursuing Him, in her earnest seeking. As she was pleading and asking if He was even there, she had a vision as clear as day: big, bold, block letters I AM. It answered all her seeking. He IS with her and He is who He is, the great I Am. From then on, she started having peace.
For all of us with puffy eyes and broken hearts, let us remember Grace’s words to us. Let us just stand, earnestly seek Him, and allow His peace to minister to our pain in losing her.